


Scars

by packardian



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2015-01-07
Packaged: 2018-02-23 14:39:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2551259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/packardian/pseuds/packardian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's so broken. They're so broken. And Ciel can't help but feel that he's breaking them and he's so, so sorry.</p><p>EDIT: Originally a oneshot, but most likely to be a collection of oneshots based around a certain AU. Warnings include, implied self harm and depression(?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Title** : Night  
 **Rating** : T  
 **Pairing** : Sebaciel  
 **Warnings** : Mentions of self harm, can be **potentially** triggering to those who have depression, AU, OOC, unedited

 

 

x

.

_Night_

.

x

 

 

Ciel doesn't know what it is, but it keeps him awake at night.

It used to be Sebastian's incredible warmth surrounding him, filling up the bed, warming him from the inside out. It used to be the way he would fall asleep to murmured words and mumbled kisses pressed against the back of his neck. Those things still exist, but they don't lull him to sleep the way they used to.

He's still awake every night, listening to the light breaths that escape his boyfriend's mouth. His chest hurts, but not in the way that asthma grabs him in a chokehold sometimes. It's more like a dull stab of pain that twists into his gut and rises into his throat. He turns his head to the side slowly. Sebastian's face is gorgeous with the way moonlight plays off the slanted planes of his face, submerging the right half in dark shadows and the left in glimmering beauty. When Sebastian sleeps he looks years younger than he actually is. He looks like the teenager he met all those years ago. But there is a little furrow between his eyebrows. Has that always been there? Did Ciel do that?

Ciel reaches out a small hand, intending on nudging his boyfriend awake. Sebastian used to urge him to wake him up if he needed company at night. They used to spend all night talking and cuddling, chasing away all of the nightmares that plague Ciel's nights. But lately, Ciel is too shy to wake Sebastian up. He doesn't know what has changed, but he feels bad. He feels like he should be able to handle things on his own. He hates having to depend on Sebastian, he feels like a burden. So he retracts his hand, cradling it close to his chest.

He's read so many articles on this emptiness he feels. Depression, they call it. But he doesn't trust webMD. Social anxiety, neurosis, all these words are going over his head. He's stopped reading these articles and shut them out of his life. They scare him. He knows they can't be real and that they don't really describe how he feels, but at the same time he's scared because _what if they're true_? Ciel hasn't talked about it with Sebastian, he feels like a freak for mentioning his obsessive, over-jealous feelings that well up in him for no reason sometimes. Sometimes he feels sick, but most of the time it's because he's sick of himself and he doesn't know how to get better.

During the day he's tired. Tired of life. Too unmotivated to do anything yet plagued by the guilty thoughts of needing to do something productive. It hurts his head. He takes some pills and sleeps them off for three hours. He can see Sebastian casting worried glances in his direction. He thinks of the way Sebastian sometimes opens his mouth to say something but closes it. Ciel pretends that he doesn't see any of this.

And now he's lying in bed awake, head swimming with thoughts that he didn't address during the day. They fill his mind intrusively, relishing in the fact that there are no distractions at night, forcing him to go over each thought in excruciating detail. Between the thoughts of resent and self disappointment, there are strands of free floating consciousness that whisper to him in wicked, dulcet tones. Things he would never consider doing in the light of day. His nail scratches over his stomach lightly. There are old cuts that have scabbed over and he picks at them gently, but not enough to break them open. He hasn't gone swimming with Sebastian for a long time now. He's too ashamed to.

Ciel turns on his side, away from Sebastian who is still very much asleep. The first of many tears slip over the bridge of his nose and he tries to sniff quietly as his eyes water over. He stares at the window full of silver moonlight, trying to ignore the lump in his throat. Curling into a tight ball under the covers, he silently shakes and soaks the sheets with tears. He doesn't know what to do anymore.

Minutes later or hours later, he doesn't know, he lifts his face from the pillow- sticky with dried tears. He realises that the pressure on his back is warm and a hand is slowly stroking his side. He turns over to see Sebastian's very much awake and anxious face looking at him.

"You were crying," He whispers, "Are you okay?"

"Yes, sorry." Ciel whispers back shakily, vocal cords still a bit trembly. He strokes the moonlit side of Sebastian's face with a finger, but the show of affection doesn't convince Sebastian.

"Don't be sorry. Why didn't you wake me?"

"I'm sorry." He says it again. It's a reflex. He can't stop being sorry for everything.

There's a small beat of silence before they both laugh awkwardly. He's so broken. They're so broken. Ciel can't help but feel that he's breaking them and he's so, _so_ sorry.

Sebastian wordlessly pulls Ciel toward him, cradling him to his chest. Tucking Ciel's head under his chin so that his face is pressed up against his neck. Their legs tangle together sharing some heat and Ciel lets out a shuddering sigh. The tears are back, but he has no idea why. All he can feel is Sebastian's strong arms around his body and he feels so relieved. There's still a heavy weight sitting on his chest and his head still hurts. But surrounded by Sebastian's heady, comforting scent, he finds himself forgetting about his burdens for a short while.

Sebastian rocks them together gently, as if he were preparing a child to go to sleep, and it works. The constant rocking motion is slowly lulling him to sleep, but he can't stop mumbling soundless apologies against Sebastian's neck. He feels fragile. He has always felt fragile, but somehow in Sebastian's arms, he feels for the first time that he is _allowed_ to be fragile.

As he drifts off to sleep, he decides that he'll show Sebastian the scars on his stomach tomorrow.


	2. Spooning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's night once more after an exhausting day of revealing certain painful secrets and truths, Ciel and Sebastian lie together in bed in an attempt to reconnect once more.

**Warnings** : AU, OOC mentions of self harm etc

 

x

.

_Spooning_

.

x

 

"I wish you’d told me." A voice says, muffled from the way Sebastian currently has his head buried into the back of his boyfriend’s neck. One arm is wrapped around Ciel’s chest protectively, holding him close- afraid that if he let go, somehow Ciel would disappear.

"I didn’t know how to tell you." Ciel says hollowly.

It’s been a rough day. With lots of talking. Lots of tears. From both parties.

Something inside Ciel had twitched at the sight of Sebastian turning away, shoulders shaking, hands clenched into fists. It was probably the first time he’d ever seen his boyfriend cry and Ciel crumbled a little inside.

“ _Do you hate me?” He whispered, wanting to reach out and touch that shoulder, but unable to._

“ _I could never hate you.” But still Sebastian didn’t face him. “I just hate myself… for not being able to do anything.” He admitted._

“ _Don’t- it’s… not your fault.”_

Ciel flinches reflexively when he feels fingers slipping under his shirt, tracing lightly over broken skin and hardened scars. But he lets the fingers continue exploring, he needs to do this. He closes his eyes tightly, too scared to look back and see what sort of expression is on his boyfriend’s face. Is it disgust? Pity? He’s too scared to find out the answer.

Sebastian presses closer, their bodies flush against each other. Ciel’s back to his chest, their legs tangled together, knees bent, knocking into each other, finding their place.

"I wish you’d told me." He murmurs again, it’s a mantra now. He can feel the scabs, the seemingly never ending lines. He doesn’t know what else to say anymore. "I wish you hadn’t done this to your body."

Defense rises within Ciel’s throat like an ugly, vicious beast.

"I knew it- you only care about-" He’s being turned over, the wind knocked out of his lungs as he finds himself lying under Sebastian in an instant. They are so close, but Sebastian makes no move to kiss him and close the distance. All Ciel can see are Sebastian’s pain ridden eyes and a fierce rage that he hasn’t seen before.

"No." Sebastian hisses. His hand moves along Ciel’s taut stomach firmly, the palm pressing into his ribs and abdominal muscles. Making Ciel feel _him_. “No. Don’t even say that. I couldn’t care what you do to your body, but I care about the meaning behind it. What you felt when you made this,” His thumb gently stroked a scabbed line. “And this… this one… and this one…”

Ciel can’t help it. His eyes well up once more, tears trickling into his hairline but he can’t move his hands to wipe them away. He only stares up at a watery Sebastian as he continues to trace each and every one of his painful scars. Painful in a way that inflames every single memory of his etched criss-crossed map of release and pain.

"Why didn’t you tell me." Sebastian buries his face into his neck, and Ciel can feel wetness. There is just so much wet everywhere. His throat has constricted and he can’t say anything. He pats Sebastian on the back numbly. "When did you stop trusting me?" That voice sounds broken and cracked. It describes Ciel perfectly.

"I don’t know." Ciel croaks, a fresh batch of tears slips down his face. "I don’t know." He sobs. "I don’t know. I didn’t want you to hate me."

Arms tighten around his body and Ciel can feel Sebastian shaking above him. It’s a full-body shake, wracked by silent anguish and it shakes Ciel too. It rattles him in a way that makes him realise his actions all along. It was selfish, he’d only been hurting himself to spare Sebastian- but it seemed that this pain went both ways. He could never win. He feels like he’s fighting a losing battle against an unforeseeable enemy. The realisation of his selfishness wants to push Sebastian away from him even more, but those arms just won’t let him go, no matter how hard he struggles.

"I won’t let you go, ever." Sebastian says, as if he could read his mind. "I could never hate you. Don’t ever say something like that to me. I couldn’t hate you even if you tried to kill me with your bare hands."

Ciel wraps his weak arms around Sebastian’s broad back. At first it’s something to hang on to- but soon it changes into a way to hold Sebastian close.

The first of many distressed cries escape his cracked lips. Sebastian doesn’t try to hush him, he lets him scream away his pain. It’s much more effective than slicing open his flesh. He’s been silent for too long. So long. The sound of his pain in vocal form surprises him, but soon he’s bawling like a newborn child. He releases howl after howl of pent up anguish and bottled pain. Arms hold him close, a soft voice mumbling nonsensical words into his ear. A strange harmony, but it works as Ciel spills untold horrors into the room, babbling about his fears, sobbing about his dark thoughts and feelings.

Eventually he quietens. He feels like he could have gone on forever, but his voice box can’t keep up. His body goes boneless under Sebastian’s and he realises that Sebastian is _still holding him, still_ mumbling crooning words, cooing to him, humming. He feels tired all of a sudden.

Sebastian raises himself and looks at Ciel’s tear wrinkled face. He wipes away some of the residue with his thumb before kissing that little nose, then he kisses that trembling mouth.

"Do you feel better?" He asks, a small smile on his lips.

Ciel can’t speak. He’s probably ripped his vocal cords, but when he nods he can see the visible change of relief melt across his boyfriend’s face and his chest twinges. He pulls Sebastian’s head down, puts his lips right next to his ear and says in a tiny, cracked, almost inaudible voice,

"I’m okay."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ciel refuses to go to therapy again but Sebastian manages to persuade them to have a day out of the house regardless.

**x**

**.**

_Beached Kisses_

**.**

**x**

 

 

The curtains are drawn shut, so tight that they barely let in any light. But this is normal. Sebastian knows their bedroom like the back of his hand. Even with the messes Ciel leaves behind each night, he skillfully walks over them without upsetting the tray he carries in his hand. Another nutritious breakfast with Ciel's favourite honey toast, some fresh fruit and a soft boiled egg sprinkled lightly with sea salt and cracked pepper. Another breakfast that will probably go to waste, but Sebastian will never stop offering his boyfriend breakfast every morning if there is a chance that Ciel might just consume it.

"Ciel," He whispers, trying not to startle the lump in the covers. For such a small body, the lump in the covers is rather remarkable. It almost looks like a nest the way Ciel has buried into the middle of the bed, pulling the blankets all around himself. "I've made you breakfast, do you want to eat something?"

"No." The reply is short. "I want to sleep."

"What about some fruit? A bite of toast at least." Sebastian coaxes. He sets the tray down on the bedside table quietly and sits down on the side of the bed, rubbing the lump soothingly- guessing where Ciel's shoulder and hips are from the dips.

"No." The body tenses beneath his touch, and he can feel the blankets tightening as Ciel grabs and pulls them closer to his chest.

"I'm tired." The voice is muffled now. "Please go away."

"Ciel, you promised we'd go visit Dr. Sullivan today, remember?" Sebastian reminds gently, still rubbing the curve of Ciel's hip, consolingly. Dr. Sieglinde Sullivan was a kind and bubbly woman who specialised in therapy of sorts, they'd visited her office once to make an appointment and to scope out the place- but they hadn't been back since because Ciel would always find some excuse not to go. It had taken Sebastian everything to convince Ciel to get help after their latest breakthrough and he didn't want to push Ciel too far too quickly. He figured if he mentioned it enough, Ciel might give in- but he should have remembered that his lover was a rather stubborn and tenacious fellow who was quite adamant about sticking to his opinions. He smiled slightly, eyes warming a little at the thought. Some things just never changed.

"I'm tired, I don't want to go. Not today." The lump in the covers moves and twists and Ciel pulls the covers back slightly to look at him. The dark blue eyes, framed by such long eyelashes stare back at him imploringly, begging him to let him have his way- even just for today- and Sebastian finds himself relenting and giving in once more despite the fact he had been resolved to make Ciel go to therapy.

"Fine," He exhales. "But promise me you'll eat a little something and go out today. It's nice and sunny outside."

"No." The covers are back and over Ciel's head before Sebastian can interject.

"Ciel, if we're not going to therapy, then let me at least take care of you." He says firmly and tugs the covers back.

The dark blue eyes that were previously soft and beseeching are now a furious, glinting pair of sharp sapphires.

"I said no!" He sits up and grabs the blankets back, lips pressing into a hard line and Sebastian only sighs. When this first happened, he'd been so taken aback by the abrupt change in attitude that left him wondering for days what he'd done or said wrong, but by now, he'd gotten used to Ciel's quick mood swings and the tight ball of rage that was currently his boyfriend didn't faze Sebastian in the slightest. He reaches over and lifts the mug of tea that he brought in with breakfast, now definitely cooled down.

"Drink some tea." He commands, handing the mug to Ciel. He uses his rare authoritative no-nonsense voice. The younger male fidgets, looking down at the cup of tea in front of him and Sebastian can see the inner war that Ciel fights with himself. Finally he reaches for the tea and drinks it without thanks. Sebastian reaches for the plate of toast, watching the way Ciel's pale throat bobs as he swallows, patiently waiting for him. Perhaps today really will be the day he'll get to give Ciel breakfast.

Little steps… little steps. There was no need to take running leaps, so long as they were moving forward bit by bit each day and that is all Sebastian prays for.

* * *

It's a miracle and Ciel wonders himself if Sebastian has drugged his tea. He hates leaving the house yet here he finds himself strapped down in the front seat as Sebastian pulls out of the driveway. He grunts, getting his sunglasses out of the dashboard to block out the sun and the world and he falls asleep once more, basked in the heat that the sun pours in through the window.

Sebastian watches from the corner of his eye as even breathing fills the silent car. It seems that all Ciel does lately is sleep and he's come to accept it. He's molded himself around Ciel's… lifestyle now and it seems he can't break out of it. Ciel is his everything and he can only dedicate himself to his lover it seems. His rational mind is telling him that this isn't right- he's depending on Ciel to depend on him. It's a fucked up version of love, isn't it? It's seemingly toxic- but he can't leave Ciel alone, Ciel would _die_ without him. That's what Sebastian tells himself, before squashing and stomping these thoughts out of his mind. They don't help his uneasiness and doubts in the slightest, and he does _not_ need these thoughts distracting him right now. Right now, he's focussing on helping Ciel get better, this is what he needs. This is what they need.

* * *

"We're here." Sebastian shakes Ciel awake from his hour long sleep. His t-shirt is warm from the way it's been baking in the sun. His little boyfriend is groggy and Sebastian finds the rumpled shirt and messy hair endearing as Ciel struggles to wake up, yawning multiple times as he stretches the aches out of his stiff back and shoulders.

"Why're we at the beach? You _do_ know what month it is right?" Ciel scoffs, turning and twisting in his seat to look at his surroundings. "You can't be serious, there is no way in Hell I'm getting into the sea during March weather." He folds his arms across his chest, scowling.

"Relax," Sebastian says patiently, unbuckling his belt and reaching behind him for his bag. "We won't be swimming, we can just sit and unwind- take a break from being in the house all day. I made sandwiches and some soup too."

"I'm not hungry."

"Well you don't have to eat them now if you don't want to- and yes, before you say anything I've brought your blanket." Sebastian says quickly, catching the way Ciel's mouth is opening again to make up some inane excuse not leave the car.

Sebastian gets out and opens the passenger's side door, helping Ciel out of the car. He's tried to ignore it, but he can't help but wince slightly when he feels how thin Ciel's wrists are. Ciel has always been lithe and slender, but even under his padded jacket, Sebastian can feel just how withered his body is. He says nothing, only smiling brightly as he locks the car.

They don't hold hands. They've never really been the type of couple to openly show affection- even more so now. Ciel only shoves his hands into his pockets and stares down at the concrete paving as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world. They take the steps down to the beach slowly, taking their time, letting the salty air fill their being. It's slightly windy but the strong sun compensates for lost heat. It really is a nice day- shame Ciel can't seem to enjoy himself, though.

A soft mat is spread and Ciel grabs the woollen blanket, wrapping it around himself as he sits down. Sebastian sits beside him, his bag between his legs as they both gaze out toward the rolling sea. It was a long drive, but worth it. There is no one on the beach but themselves today. Everyone would be at work or at school- getting on with daily life, but time seems to have slowed down for Sebastian and Ciel as they sit here in silence. Waves crash against the shore rhythmically, reminding Sebastian of an article he once read about the sound of waves being similar to the sound heard in a mother's womb.

It's tranquil here. Seagulls cry high above and the wind rustles at their clothing, some loose threads of the blanket fluttering in the wind. Sebastian feels Ciel leaning against him and he realises that Ciel has fallen asleep against him once more. Feeling overwhelms him as the small action seems to symbolise Ciel's dependence on him. It's probably just gravity, the way Ciel is leaning against his shoulder, but Sebastian wants to believe otherwise. Without waking his lover up, he slowly puts his arm around the younger male and pulls him closer, tucking that small head under his chin.

This is good for them. He'd been so insistent that getting out of the house was for Ciel's benefit, but deep down he knew that he needed this little trip as well. The house was becoming stifling, almost claustrophobic. The evidence of Ciel's state of mind was scattered around the house. The bathroom where a myriad of pills lay on the counter and spilled out of cabinets- the bedroom floor where piles of Ciel's clothing just lay waiting to be picked up by him. The fresh sea air was rejuvenating Sebastian in ways that he didn't know what was possible. Suddenly, he felt motivated-confident once more that he could help Ciel conquer his fears. They would be able to get through this. Sebastian was sure of it.

When they get home, Ciel seems to be in a better mood than he was this morning. He kisses Sebastian against the door when they arrive, his cold hands sneaking under Sebastian's shirt. The older male drops his bag and pulls him in closer, kissing him back just as deeply.

"I want you," Ciel whispers against his lips, hands splayed across either side of Sebastian's face. "I want you so much."

Sebastian's eyes slide shut as a low sound rumbles in his throat. He can't deny Ciel anything. He presses his lover closer to his chest, kissing those soft lips again and again, before moving to that hollow cheek and neck.

He's struck by that hope he felt on the beach once more and the thought drives him wild.

They would get through this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is more to come! I would like conclude this AU with two more oneshots I think :3 thank you to all who have read this so far!
> 
> You can read all of the oneshots here on my tumblr at: 
> 
> http://cielled.tumblr.com/post/105180607116/organised-list-of-that-au-which-i-still-dont


	4. Body Worship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sebastian reconciles Ciel with his body again, making him come to terms with the things that has happened, ensuring that he'll always be there for him, no matter what happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: OOC, AU, unedited
> 
> Though this does not contain any 'smut' it is meant to be very intimate somewhat. (or at least I tried)
> 
> This particular story happens shortly after Ciel decides he is brave enough to face Sebastian and reveal scar-ridden body. As always, this is NOT a chapter fic as each story can be read individually. This is merely a series of oneshots within one set AU. 
> 
> I may rewrite this and add a few more sections to this oneshot.

x

.

_ Body Worship _

_. _

x

 

 

"You don’t have to do this, you know." Ciel says nervously, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, rubbing at his stomach through the light cotton unconsciously. Even though he can’t see the scabs that have long fallen off- detailing the scars on his stomach, he can still  _feel_ them.

"But I want to." Sebastian replies, "If _you_ don’t want to do anything- we can stop anytime. We can stop now if you want.” He offers, but Ciel only shakes his head and closes his eyes.

His heart is thudding in his ribcage. He can hear the roar of blood in his ears. It has been so long since they’ve touched each other like this. Ciel aches so much. He longs for Sebastian’s touch- but at the same time he shies away from it, scared of what his boyfriend might say or do in response to the sight of his body. His disgusting, awful body that he’s mutilated in the peaked heat of his anguish- in the worst of times. He doesn’t want to show Sebastian what he’s been hiding for so long, yet deep down- he feels as though Sebastian might be the one to save him from the madness that plagues him.

A soft kiss to his lips has Ciel opening his eyes, startled. He starts shaking, quivering- unable to stop.

"Hey, shh…" Sebastian whispers slightly alarmed, "Do you want to stop? We can stop right now- I shouldn’t have asked, I-"

"N-no." Ciel’s voice is cracked and barely audible but, "Don’t stop. Please. It’s good."

The sheets rustle beneath them, but Sebastian is only moving himself to settle over his body comfortably. Once again, those gentle lips are moving across his mouth and cheek, ghosting over his twitching eyelids.

"I love your eyes. Your beautiful, haunting eyes. Sometimes when I’m looking into them, I feel myself drowning in that deep, blue ocean you harbour." He whispers quietly, kissing the bottom of Ciel’s eye socket where the bone meets the rise of his cheek.

Ciel bites his lip to keep himself from retorting. It’s hard to accept these words of praise. It’s hard to ignore the tone of reverence that colours Sebastian’s voice as his mouth roams over the curve of his ear, brushing against his earlobe, nuzzling the warmth of his hairline. The words are so uncomfortable, but the way Sebastian is touching him is slowly softening his guard and he feels himself slipping into a warm fuzziness that he can only vaguely recall. Relaxing… that’s what this feeling is. Relaxation… when was the last time he felt even vaguely relaxed, with no nerves shot through with anxiety and worry, brain screaming at him for his incompetence and lack of motivation… in fact where is that voice now? Ciel can hear nothing except the thud of his heart and the quiet sounds of Sebastian’s breath against his skin. He lets out a little sigh, unbeknownst to him, sinking into the mattress and pillows a bit more.

Sebastian keeps a hidden smile to himself. He continues to lavish his boyfriend’s face with kisses and murmurs, paying special attention to his lips. For the moment, he has only touched Ciel’s skin with his mouth and nothing more. He has not used any tongue or teeth to further stimulation- but it is incredible to watch the transition of emotion cross Ciel’s face. His eyes are still closed, but the eyelids are no longer jumping and twitching- fighting the urge to reopen. He almost looks asleep, those dark eyelashes resting against porcelain skin and the precious mouth parted slightly to let air through. Sebastian places a little kiss on Ciel’s lower lip before nuzzling his way down his throat.

The skin there is very, very warm. It’s soft and it almost feels like butter beneath his lips. From the corner of his eye, he can see Ciel’s hand furling and unfurling in the bed covers. His neck has always been a particularly sensitive area to touch.

"I’ve always loved kissing your neck," Sebastian mumbles as he drags his lips across the hollow of Ciel’s throat. He can smell that scent that is so distinctly Ciel here the most. "It’s so sensitive and I can feel the way your heartbeat leaps, especially when I kiss you here." This time he delivers a kiss just beneath Ciel’s jaw, sucking and nipping just enough to leave a tiny mark. He hears the way Ciel’s breath hitches in his throat, and he is encouraged to go further.

The kisses rise in intensity against his skin and Ciel squeezes his eyes shut further- his breath coming out in short, tiny puffs. He’s so aroused and he can’t believe that Sebastian has only touched him with his lips and nothing more. Each brush against his skin seems to inflame his nerves- it’s like he can feel everything ten times slower. He can feel every nerve light up to the touch of Sebastian against his skin in slow motion and it just feels so incredible. The sensation of Sebastian’s touch burns- as if his skin has become hypersensitive. But soon his breathing picks up for an entirely different reason. His arousal is dwindling fast as he feels Sebastian’s fingers play with the hem of his shirt and the little dips in his pelvic region. Those fingertips are stroking and teasing, but Ciel only feels dread as they creep higher. Soon they’ll reach his stomach and they’ll see those horrid scars and then-

All thought is cut off as Ciel meets Sebastian’s eyes desperately, about to call the whole thing off. But he stops. Sebastian’s eyes are glazed over- no, they look like they are on fire. He has never seen such intense concentration present in Sebastian’s eyes, not even when he was researching and planning lectures for the university. It’s the intense concentration combined with the fierce look of determination and deep, ingrained passion that almost scares Ciel to the point of excitement. His words die on his lips as Sebastian dips his head down to kiss his pectoral muscles through the light cotton of his shirt. Sebastian’s left hand creeps up his shirt and Ciel’s heart nearly leaps out of his chest. But they barely touch his stomach, skimming over it lightly, going directly for his left nipple- brushing over it with the faintest whisper of a touch. His nipple contracts and hardens so quickly it’s almost painful and Ciel moans at the sensation. It was just one touch…

Sebastian moves on autopilot now, he’s determined not to leave a single patch of Ciel’s skin untouched. With one hand he slowly pushes his boyfriend’s shirt up, stopping every few moments to see if Ciel is going to stop him. Once or twice he sees Ciel’s hand twitch against the covers as if they want to grab his hand- but nothing happens.

Inch by inch Ciel’s stomach is uncovered and by now, Ciel is breathing hard, his eyes wide open and fearful, gauging his reaction. Sebastian can feel Ciel’s eyes boring into his head as he takes in the faint white lines. Crisscrossed and overlapping one another, tapering off in all sorts of directions. Little jagged lines where a cut didn’t go as smoothly as anticipated… he can hear little sounds in his boyfriend’s throat, little whimpers. He realises it is taking all of Ciel’s power not to throw him off and pull his shirt down. Ciel is trusting him for once… after a long time, Ciel is letting him back in and the realisation of this fact is filling Sebastian with a grim determination not to fuck things up.

He starts off slow, sure and steady. He knows what he is going to do. His lips touch the broken skin with even more gentleness than he’s displayed previously. Sebastian desperately wishes he can make things better, erase the pain and agony that these scars represent by brushing his lips against them- but he knows Ciel must heal them himself, overcome them with his own force and willpower. But for the moment, he only wishes to ease Ciel’s anxiety and see his boyfriend in a state of blissful relaxation- even if it just for a moment.

"You’re so beautiful," He murmurs, and he’s not lying. Abdominal muscles tense at his words but Sebastian keeps going. He mumbles this phrase over and over again until he’s sure he’s covered each and every scar with his mouth. "You’re so, so beautiful and I want you to know that so much. I wish you would know that."

Sebastian hears a little sniffle, and once again the skin beneath his lips is quivering. He looks up to see Ciel biting on his shirt trying to muffle his sobs while tears are streaming out of his eyes. But on further inspection they don’t look scared or frightened- they almost look- relieved and… grateful? Ciel looks like a man that has been saved from drowning and those eyes are begging him in a way. But begging him for what?

"Do you want to stop?" Sebastian asks quietly- once more, just for confirmation. Ciel’s tiny shake of his head is all Sebastian needs. He gently eases the cotton out of his boyfriend’s mouth, kissing his cheek and the corner of his mouth. The shirt comes away damp with saliva but Sebastian pays no attention to it. With a little effort from both of them, Ciel lets Sebastian remove his shirt completely leaving his chest completely bare.

Ciel feels so exposed. He knows that Sebastian has seen his chest countless times- but this is something new entirely. He feels like a teenage boy on his very first date, shy and bashful. His hands creep up to hide his scars reflexively but Sebastian gently grabs one, bringing the heel of his palm to his lips, kissing it.

"I want to see all of you. Don’t hide yourself from me." Sebastian says gently, now kissing the tips of his fingertips and the tips of his blunt nails. Ciel nods slightly, eyes never leaving his boyfriend’s face once. He still cannot believe that despite Sebastian fully seeing and touching his scars for the first time, that he did not once look disgusted or horrified by what he’s inflicted on himself. For once, Ciel feels like he’s found a sturdy rock and that he’s dragging himself onto dry land. No more cracked branches and snapped twigs. A proper safety net to catch him and save him from himself- he wants to believe it so hard. He wants to believe what Sebastian has to offer him and it’s scaring him because he wants to grab it and make it his own… but he’s afraid that it is just a mere illusion. After all, even rocks can be chiseled away by water…

Sebastian quickly strips himself of his shirt, tossing it to the side of the bed. Both of their bare chests are heaving slightly- the tension in the room is incredible and Sebastian knows that there is a lot at stake right now. He gets onto his knees, placing his hands on either side of Ciel. He begins to place wet kisses on Ciel’s body, starting at the hem of his boxers, making his way up to his navel and belly button.

Ciel hisses slightly- up till now it’s only been heat and warmth, but these wet kisses are providing a shot of coolness when they dry and the contrast is leaving him breathless. He can just see the way Sebastian’s back muscles flex as he his makes his way up his chest slowly. With a shaky arm he gently places a hand against Sebastian’s head. He doesn’t stroke or pet him neither resisting him either, his hand just rests there feeling the way Sebastian’s head moves as he licks and traces his skin with his tongue. The fuzzy warmth from earlier is invading his body once more, but this time he begins to feel clouded in and almost distant from reality. Right now, the only thing he registers is the feeling of Sebastian’s tongue against his skin and the silkiness of his hair beneath his palm. He is aware that Sebastian’s tongue is probing at his scars, licking at them thoroughly, but in some strange perverse way, it almost feels therapeutic- if that even makes sense. With every swipe, Ciel lets himself open up just a bit further- be damned with the consequences- something inside wants to reach out- spill out and let go. He needs this. He really, really needs this.

When he feels Ciel’s hand come down upon his head, Sebastian thinks that Ciel wants him to stop, but when his eyes flick up for the briefest of moments, he can see that Ciel’s eyes are shut and his mouth is open, dragging in oxygen. The hand doesn’t move and so Sebastian continues, casting his eyes down, hooding them slightly, concentrating on revering the flesh placed in front of him. A little thought is flashes through his mind, before it is disappeared in the swirling vortex of emotions- but that the hand that rests upon his head feels much like the hand of a king appointing his knight. _My little king_ , Sebastian thinks before he nuzzles into the wet skin with a little whine of content. Words are pulsing in his mouth, but he’s rendered speechless- he translates those words with the brush of his lips and press of his tongue against Ciel’s nipple, reveling in the throaty sounds that his boyfriend releases into the air at his touch.

The buildup is so gradual that Ciel doesn’t even notice it himself until he realises his hips are straining and rolling underneath the weight of Sebastian’s chest. He is certain that his boyfriend is aware of his arousal, yet still there is nothing but laving touches and teasing nips. He glances down and with sees with shock that his chest is scattered with love bites. Little patches where blood has broken and risen to the surface. They are everywhere, dotting his stomach, the side of his ribs and particularly his pectoral muscles and around his nipples. Even the tight skin drawn across the area of where his heart should be is marred with a large, imposing bruise. But it is strange, the more he looks at them, the more beautiful they seem to him. He doesn’t understand what Sebastian finds ‘beautiful’ about his scars or his body… but looking at these splotched markings that resemble some sort of fucked up Rorschach test, he thinks he might understand what Sebastian finds so appealing in his body. He traces one with a finger, and watches the way Sebastian automatically moves his mouth over his finger, sucking it into his mouth, teeth grazing the soft underside of his finger.

Sebastian drinks in the gasps that sound suspiciously like they are on the verge of turning into moans. He’s taking in more fingers, sucking and licking at them like they are his only source of food left in the entire world. His entire being just wants to consume Ciel down, to taste everything about him, to leave nothing hidden… he groans as he pulls the fingers out his mouth and presses the hand to his cheek, eyes sliding shut. His body is pitching forward and he realises that Ciel is pulling him toward him. Their lips collide in an almost desperate fashion, searching and sliding against each other as they drink each other down.

Ciel can feel tears slipping out of the corner of his eyes again but this time he doesn’t know why. Sebastian is kissing them away before he goes back to ravishing his mouth and Ciel can taste the saltiness for a brief second before Sebastian’s tongue licks it away. They are breathing so heavily and their faces are so close together- Ciel doesn’t know whose breath belongs to whose anymore- nor does he care. He feels as though he is fusing somewhat to Sebastian- he doesn’t know where he ends and Sebastian begins. It’s all lost in the comfortable weighted heat and a tangle of limbs.

Their hands are tangling into each other’s hair, petting and stroking, pulling gently at the strands of hair just wanting to be that much closer to each other. Never has skin against skin felt so good before. They share one more open mouthed kiss before Sebastian breaks apart to nuzzle his nose against his.

"Thank you," Ciel whispers, practically delirious. He’s babbling now.

"For what?"

"For everything and everything. So much."


End file.
